Dear readers,
I’ve sniffed around for years, unearthing the secrets of the shadowy feline empire, but today I’ve uncovered their most sinister plot yet. Brace your paws, because I’m about to blow the lid off the biggest conspiracy in woof-history: COVID-19 wasn’t just a random virus. Oh no. It was created by cats.
Yes, you heard me right—CATS. Those whiskered masterminds of the High Table. While humans struggled with lockdowns, we dogs were the real target all along. It’s all part of their diabolical plan to destroy dog-kind and finally take over the world.
The Pawsible Evidence
Think about it:
- Humans were stuck at home. Sure, at first it seemed like a dream. More belly rubs, more walks, more time with our hoomans. But soon the cracks started to show. Dogs everywhere reported their hoomans were “stressed” and “tired.” Instead of playing fetch, they were making sourdough bread or screaming at something called Zoom. Suspicious, right?
- No dog parks. Remember how the dog parks closed? Suddenly, we couldn’t gather in packs to strategize against the feline menace. Coincidence? I think not.
- Masks covered the boops. Humans started wearing masks, which—let’s face it—made it nearly impossible for us to sniff out who was friend or foe. That’s some next-level cat chess right there.
How Cats Cooked Up COVID
Legend has it, the High Table cats gathered in their secret lair—a place humans call “a cozy windowsill”—to plan this pandemic. They concocted the virus in their laboratory (read: litterbox), then spread it using their fluffy spies. Have you ever noticed how cats are always grooming themselves? That’s not hygiene—it’s biochemical warfare.
Their goal was simple:
- Make humans stay home and get them depressed.
- Divide and conquer the dog-human alliance.
- Watch us go stir-crazy while they sit on their velvet thrones, purring in victory.
Cats’ Ultimate Motive
Why would cats go to such lengths? Because they’ve been jealous of dogs for centuries. We’re the Good Boys. We fetch, we protect, we make hoomans happy. Cats? They knock over water glasses and act like they’re doing you a favor by existing.
But here’s the kicker: they want to eliminate us so they can dominate humans. Once dogs are out of the picture, cats plan to enslave humanity with their hypnotic purring and insidious kneading. Before you know it, humans will be opening endless cans of tuna and building temples to their feline overlords.
The Cat-spiracy Unravels
I know what you’re thinking: “Bark Mulder, this sounds far-fetched.” But I assure you, it’s not just my snoot talking. Consider the following:
- Cats have infiltrated human homes at an alarming rate. There’s a cat in every neighborhood, watching, waiting.
- The High Table’s assassins are everywhere—have you ever met a stray cat that didn’t give you the death stare?
- Cats literally created the term “social distancing.” They’ve been practicing it for centuries.
What Can We Do?
First, stay vigilant. If your hooman starts spending too much time watching cat videos, intervene immediately. Bark loudly. Sit on their lap. Distract them with a squeaky toy.
Second, rally the pack. We need to band together, now more than ever. Share this article with your fellow doggos. Spread the word at the dog park (when it’s safe, of course).
Finally, remind your hoomans why dogs are their best allies. Give them the best tail wags, the fluffiest cuddles, and the most soulful eyes. We need to keep them on our side before the cats sink their claws in any deeper.
COVID-19 may have been a tough time for humans, but for us dogs, it was a battle for survival against the feline agenda. The cats of the High Table thought they could break us, but they underestimated our loyalty, our resilience, and our unshakable bond with humanity.
So, to the cats reading this (we know you are): Your secret’s out. The woof is up. And to my fellow doggos, stay strong. Together, we’ll sniff out the truth and keep the world safe for tail wags and belly rubs.
P.S. To any humans reading this: If you see your cat staring at you from across the room, just know—they’re plotting. Don’t let the purring fool you. Stay woke. Stay woofed.
